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Satire: What Does LeBron Think?

Note: @factcheckers, other people that take life too seriously, this is satire. Please take it as such, since some of you never seem to get when things are satirical. 

There I sat, updating the news repeatedly, waiting to hear what the Rittenhouse verdict was. Would the youth be acquitted for the “crime” of defending himself from a pedo and two other criminals in the woke, angry mob, or would a jury, frightened by the gathering crowd of “peaceful protesters” with Molotov cocktails and MSNBC’s attempt at doxxing them, lock Kyle up to save their own skins.

Then, I saw it! Rittenhouse was acquitted; some sliver of justice was still alive in this decadent, collapsing republic. I wanted to cheer, I wanted to post on social media, I wanted to call those I knew and celebrate.

But then, reality set in. I had to sit and wait, waiting to hear from the political sage of our age, one of the most important thinkers out there: LeBron James.

Thankfully, I was able to stop myself from posting, saying, or doing anything. Instead, I logged onto Twitter to wait and see what LeBron had to say. Since he’s a basketball player that’s never shown a proclivity for anything intellectual, I knew it made sense to sit and wait, ensuring I heard what he had to say before trying to think on my own.

His name on the court is King James. His name in real life should be Philosopher King James, as he is surely the second coming of Marcus Aurelius.

Some might laugh. Some right-wing reactionaries might say it makes no sense to wait to hear what the thoughts are of a basketball player that’s not known for being at all a deep thinker. But they’re wrong, for did we not learn the lesson during the violent circus that was the George Floyd Summer of Rage that all cops must wait to shoot until they’ve waited to hear what LeBron thinks of the situation? Is he not the all-knowing sage whose ill-informed opinion should be the basis of our actions, thoughts, and policies?

The reactionaries can make fools of themselves. I know it’s right to sit and wait until LeBron tweets his opinion on a subject he knows less than nothing about!

Unfortunately, I’m yet to formulate an opinion because this is all Philosopher King James has had to say since the trial ended:

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It’s certainly a good point, as I would certainly like to make sure that @Money23Green is okay. Hopefully, he hasn’t committed a violent crime, as pro athletes are apt to do. I bet he’s glad Philosopher King James is having us check in on him.

But, still, it’s not particularly helpful because now I don’t know what to think about the Kyle Rittenhouse case? Was his acquittal a good thing, or does it show, as the MSM is saying, that white men now have a license to kill? If I’m attacked by a mob of thugs, some of whom were convicted of violent crimes including anally raping young boys, is it okay to defend myself, or do I need to sit and take a beating, as soyboy Binger suggested?

These are important questions and I need LeBron’s well-informed, expertly formulated, and otherwise thoughtful answers!

Sadly, I’ll have to keep waiting until Philosopher King James tweets his opinion so that it can become mine. Hopefully he finishes his thorough research on the issue and tweets out something soon! Otherwise, I’ll have to remain silent so as to avoid contradicting LeBron…

By: Gen Z Conservative, editor of Follow me on Parler and Gettr.

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