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How Merrick Garland Turned Himself Into a Stand Up Comedian

NOTE: This article may contain commentary that reflects the author’s opinion.

Did you know that Merrick Garland does a standup comedy act? Me neither. But there he was on Thursday doing a bit about the FBI raid restrained application of equal justice at Trump’s Mar-a-Lago residence. His timing could use a little work, but he still cracked me up. At his press conference, Garland announced that he did in fact authorize the raid – and he wasn’t about to share the credit with Chris Wray.

Just as he had me believing it was an actual press conference, he hit us with the punchline.

Let me address recent unfounded attacks on the professionalism of the FBI and Justice Department agents and prosecutors. I will not stand by silently when their integrity is unfairly attacked.

That got a chuckle out of me. Then he nailed us with the capper. With a straight face, he said

Faithful adherence to the rule of law is the bedrock principle of the DOJ. Upholding the law means applying the law evenly without fear or favor. Under my watch, that is precisely what the DOJ is doing.

I almost lost consciousness from a hyperventilating belly laugh. I did not see that coming.

But then I noticed something. The press wasn’t laughing. It was certainly plausible that his humor was above their intellectual capacity – but Garland wasn’t smiling either. Oh, my, God, he was serious. If he’s serious, this is going to require a serious response.

What about the professionalism of agent Peter Strzok promising his FBI sex partner that he had an insurance policy to undermine a free and fair election? That would be an agent of the government, executing an organized plot against the established government. There’s a word for that – insurrection.

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Since taking over the DOJ, has “Law and Order” Garland called for an investigation of Strzok? Has he seated a grand jury, raided his home, or referred Strzok to the January 6 committee for persecution? The answer is “no” to all of the above. Under Merrick Garland, attempting to overthrow the government by taking selfies on Capital grounds will get one solitary confinement. Trying to do the same thing using the resources of the FBI will get one invited on CNN as a guest. That’s equal justice Garland style.

Was Andrew McCabe, Deputy Director of the FBI, giving us a demonstration of his professionalism when he lied to the FBI about illegally leaking information to the press? I didn’t use the word “allegedly” because McCabe eventually admitted it. Was he prosecuted for doing the same thing that Michael Flynn was charged with? Nope.

The Trump administration did fire him and took away part of his pension. But that isn’t the whole story. When Merrick Garland took over the DOJ, he wiped McCabe’s record clean, reinstated his pension, and even gave him a couple of million bucks for his trouble (legal fees). That’s what equal justice under the law looks like under a Biden/Garland justice system.

Those demonstrations of professionalism don’t just come from the FBI’s Washington leadership either. After the bureau triumphantly announced that they had successfully busted a radical militia attempt to kidnap Governor Gretchen Whitmer, the lead highly professional agent, Richard Trask, was fired for beating his wife after a drunken swinger’s party.

Then as the case approached trial, two other highly professional agents were removed from the witness list — Henrik Impola for perjuring himself on another case, and Jayson Chambers for trying to profit off of the kidnapping.

The professionalism of the bureau didn’t go unnoticed by the jury, which refused to convict any of the defendants. It seems the bureau’s core profession is actually deception, graft, and political dirty tricks. Even though the whole sorry episode appears to be an FBI frame up, Garland has not announced any investigation.

In 2015 the FBI received a complaint about Dr. Larry Nassar. He was accused of molesting underage girls, as the USA gymnastics team doctor – up to 265 of them. The investigating agent interviewed one victim, didn’t file his report for over a year, and falsified her statement when he did. It is estimated that up to 70 additional girls were molested between the time that the FBI received the complaint, and the state of Michigan (not the FBI) arrested Nassar.

The saga was so disturbing that it was investigated by the Inspector General. His office found that the offending agents had lied to investigators (a felony), falsified documentation (another felony), and that the agent in charge of the field office had applied for a job with USA Gymnastics (a huge conflict of interest). The Inspector General recommended criminal charges – for the FBI agents, the good doctor was already sporting an orange jumpsuit by that time.

Were the agents charged? Certainly not. That’s not the way things are done under Merrick Garland. One was fired and the other retired. Now the FBI is being sued by the victims (Olympic gymnasts that we have all watched on TV), for its “professionalism.”

Now the FBI is giving us another demonstration of professionalism with the Mar-a-Lago raid. We’re told that the FBI is doing the critical work of looking for presidential documents that should have been delivered to the National Archives. Apparently, librarians need a gun and a warrant in the Biden administration. What isn’t being mentioned is that Trump had already told them he’d return any documents they wanted, had been cooperating with their investigation and had even hosted them at his home to review the documents.

Were gun-wielding FBI agents even needed at Trump’s home, given that Trump wasn’t there, and the property was guarded by armed Secret Service agents? Couldn’t the National Archives librarians have just, like, gone there and knocked on the door? Or was it really about the show?

  • Warrant approved – check
  • Actions coordinated with January 6 inquisition – check
  • Talking points distributed to the media – check
  • Ethically challenged agents assembled – check
  • Bad Boys soundtrack loaded – check

Showtime – action.

But we’re being told to not be distracted by the theatrics. The raid was really a clever exercise of investigatory gamesmanship. The search for classified napkins, party invitations, and dinner menus is just a pretense to look for other evidence. Luckily the Mar-a-Lago staff didn’t turn off the security cameras, and now we know it was a pretense to go through Melania’s underwear drawer. They’re professional all right – professional pervs.

These examples are just the tip of the iceberg. We didn’t even touch on:

  • Director Wray lying to Congress
  • Kevin Clinesmith falsifying evidence
  • The bureau’s curious history with laptops
  • Or the targeting of any citizen that criticizes a school board or flies a Betsy Ross flag.

In just recent history agents have lied, targeted innocent citizens, tried to overturn an election, covered up crimes, and created other crimes just to solve them. Yet none of these infractions were found or corrected internally – by the world’s premier investigatory agency. There can be only 2 possible explanations. Either the FBI is amazingly incompetent, or it is completely corrupted.

Merrick Garland assures us that his department operates with the highest level of professionalism. We can only conclude that the DOJ’s profession must be something other than law enforcement.

By John Green

Notice: This article may contain commentary that reflects the author’s opinion.

Featured photo courtesy of The White House, Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons

This story syndicated with permission from The Blue State Conservative