Satire: Boy Scouts Announce First All-Female Boy Scouts Class

Satirical Gen Z: The New and Improved Female Boy Scouts

On this historic day in October of 2022, the Boy Scouts released a statement about their first all-female class of scouts. Here’s what Whimpy Cuckington, current national scoutmaster, had to say:

“We are pleased to announce that this year, the year of our feminine lord two thousand and twenty two, the Boy Scouts of America have brought a whole new class of scouts. In our misogynist past, we only let boys into the scouts. We saw it as an opportunity to teach young men the values of manhood, how to live a masculine lifestyle, the skills every man should know, and let them have fun with their friends in an environment where they could be themselves and not put airs on around girls.

Fortunately, thanks to the efforts of many disinterested individuals, we finally realized the error of our ways. The horrible past is long gone and we now welcome Americans of every gender, all 70-odd of the federally recognized ones, into the scouts. Gone are the days where boys could be boys. These are the days where we can all be the exact same and ensure that every scout is perfectly politically correct. Thank the good, feminine lord that we realized the error of our ways in 2017, when we finally understood that the past tens of thousands of years of history had been categorically wrong about gender roles and decided to ensure we wouldn’t make those same mistakes.

I’m happy to announce that, maybe because of this announcement, my wife will let me sleep with her tonight. If she’s not with her boyfriend, that is. Here’s to the new future of the Boy(sometimes) Scouts of America, no insult intended to non-Americans or undocumented residents.”

Mr. Cuckington then took a large gulp from his passion fruit La Croix and handed the microphone of Merivna Hollins-Baddington, distinguished Head of the Female Boy Scouts of all Consenting Nations Foundation. Her response was also beautiful:

“It wasn’t enough in February of 2021 when the Boy Scouts announced their first class of female Eagle Scouts. It wasn’t enough the month later when they, in the name of normalizing the relative number of male, female, and other scouts, decided to set limits on how many scouts of each gender would be allowed to make Eagle Scout. Nor was it enough when they forced all scouts of all genders to sleep in the same tents, use the same restrooms, and go on the same events together. No, those were baby steps that were still used to enforce the evil, patriarchic system we all despise.”

Ms. Hollins-Baddington then scanned the room with squinted eyes to make sure everyone was applauding as much as they should be before continuing with”

“But now, for the first time, we have finally made a meaningful step toward female involvement in the Boy(sometimes) Scouts. With this first, all-female class, we are finally doing what needs to be done to enforce a rigid system of unbending gender equality. No more boy Boy(sometimes) Scouts!”

Ms. Hollins-Baddington then spit her red wine onto Mr. Cuckington’s white shirt and he replied by thanking her and asking if she would like another glass of wine, as any equality-loving man would. Here’s to the future of the ~~Girl~~Boy Scouts! If only an organization called the Girl Scouts had ever existed!