Note: this is satire, not fact. Treat it as such.
Already embarrassed over the Gretchen Whitmer kidnapping scheme and the revelation that it set the men involved up, the FBI suffered a dramatic blow to its prestige on Tuesday when a lack of communications between the agency and other government authorities led to a snafu where all its agents were arrested.
FBI Director Wray, the sole member of the FBI not arrested during the nation-wide dragnet conducted by National Gaurd units, local police departments, and even a few SWAT Teams, spoke about the incident in a press conference last night, saying:
“All those men and women arrested are heroes, and I stand by Operation Rainbow Revolution despite the criticism directed against it by those anti-government wackjobs on Fox News.
Our mission at the FBI is both complex and highly important and we’re doing the best we can. I want you to keep that in mind before you start criticizing us.
Anyway, what happened was we were trying to catch three men–Larry, Bubba, and Cletus– in the act of “insurrection,” so we sent a few agents to talk to them and see what they were plotting.
One thing turned into another and eventually the whole FBI got involved in showing how such an insurrection might work, however we were unable to bring any other potential insurrectionists despite the realism of the plot. But, despite not being able to find any, we still believe they’re out there, so the mission will continue.
Anyway, anyway, the whole thing kinda snowballed, you know how it is, and it turns out the NSA caught a whiff of it because those goons were listening to our phone calls. They didn’t check the names of those involved against the registry of government agents, however, so they ended up thinking an actual insurrection was happening–err, they found out about the Redneck Triumvirate’s plot, just through us rather than through those guys, who were drunk most of the time.
That turned into a nationwide sweep that all our agents were caught up in, so we had to close the office for a day while our lawyers worked on getting those heroic agents out of jail.”
Shortly after Wray’s press conference, it came out that Cletus, Bubba, and Larry would have to be released because they were not, in fact, plotting a revolution or insurrection. Rather, they’d just been sharing memes about the January 6th trespass.
Furious, Wray vowed that he’d do everything in his power to restore the FBI’s reputation by catching the “actual insurrectionists” despite not being able to find any so far. In fact, he even said he’d drop the FBI’s other missions, including finding and stopping those sharing child pornography, while he worked on stopping the “insurrection.”
Hunter Biden, thinking that meant the investigation into him would end, tweeted out that he was “proud of the FBI for daring to fight the good fight against those that would subvert our democracy.” He then took a jet to China and sold $5 million worth of his paintings.