Satire. Take it as such.
Our fearless President Biden has been doing his best to keep the planet green while also keeping America running. Though he wants to save the turtles, he also knows that Americans need cheap, easy access to the lifeblood of modern economies: oil.
Unfortunately, the usual suspects are blaming him for events totally beyond his control. Though he’s doing his very, very best with his many, many functioning brain cells, the reactionaries and members of that vast, right-wing conspiracy are spreading vicious lies and rumors.
For example, those dimwitted fools are blaming Brandon, errr Dear Leader Biden, for the oil crisis! As if it’s his fault that the imperialist stooges at the oil companies can’t produce oil at a cheap price when he enacts common-sense reforms that make it harder to pump and transport oil.
Those common-sense policies include shutting down the Keystone XL pipeline, making it harder and more expensive to get leases to drill for oil on public land, frequently lambasting oil producers, and even having Mayor Pete, his brilliant, chest-feeding (not really, fact-checkers) Transportation Secretary tell people to just buy electric cars! Just a few small, totally reasonable policies that despite being meant to destroy the energy industry totally shouldn’t have had any deleterious effects on the energy industry.
I mean, it (1) makes total sense to tell people that can’t afford $4 gas to buy a $100k Tesla and (2) is shocking and unexpected that making it hard to drill or transport oil would mean that oil producers drill and transport less oil.
In any case, our dear leader responded to that unexpected setback in the smartest, strongest way possible. Rather than back down and reverse course on his brilliant policies that definitely aren’t hurting the energy industry, Biden asked the Russians and Saudis if they would “pretty please” release more oil. According to our good comrades at CNN, here’s what happened:
The Biden administration on Wednesday called on OPEC+ to do more to combat elevated energy prices. National security adviser Jake Sullivan said in a statement that OPEC+ “must do more to support the recovery.”
Predictably, the greedy American oil producers said that they, not OPEC, should have been asked to produce more oil. Biden, showing his Chad (is the right still using that meme?) attitude, demurred. We want to be green, so asking shady, despotic regimes to produce oil in less environmentally friendly ways than we do here is obviously what’s best for the planet. Only 500 private jets were required to reach that conclusion! Go planet Earth!
In any case, the OPEC producers showed their dumb, intransigent attitude by demurring. Apparently, the Russians, who Biden routinely blames for everything, aren’t willing to help him out by pumping more oil. Can you believe their treachery?
Luckily, the smartest man for the job is in the White House, so a solution will certainly be reached soon!