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Satire: Why Beto’s Giving It Another Go

It’s satire, fact-checkers; this is meant to be humorous and not to reflect the truth about Beto’s financial situation, about which I have no idea. Bugger off.

Robert Francis O’Rourke, the insufferable “bro” from Texas that thinks he has what it takes to run the nation and Lonestar State is back in the electoral arena. Since his 2020 plan to be president ended in dismal failure, as did his 2018 attempt to take down Ted Cruz, as did (it can be assumed) his fourth-grade attempt to be hall monitor, he’s limited his ambition to the governor’s mansion. Doing anything of substance just isn’t in his wheelhouse, so he’s trying to find a way to ensconce himself in power.

Or, at least, that’s what I initially thought. Then I saw the brilliant tweet at the top of the page. What if Robert Francis O’Rourke knows he’ll lose, given that he’s never won anything other than the genetic lottery (in terms of his family money, not his non-chiseled, soyboy looks), and is instead running just so he can continue to pick up one of those welfare checks the Democrats fight so hard for?

It’d make sense.

You see, blue states like California aren’t really into the whole working thing. They’re more into handing out free cash to anyone who submits a form, no matter how fraudulent the application is. California lost $20 billion last year alone thanks to welfare fraud. Red states, however, take a different approach to government handouts. They actually want people to work, so they require proof that those on welfare are looking to find work.

Texas’s TANF program, which provides cash to needy families, requires recertification every six months and has job search/work requirements. What if Robert Francis O’Rourke just hit one of those six-month marks and needs to prove he’s searching for a job? There’d be no better way to do so than running for office. And with him seeking the highest office in the state, well, a welfare officer certainly couldn’t argue that he’s not setting his sights high enough!

Plus, he knows that it won’t pan out and he can stay on the dole. Like a multi-time convict applying to a job with a defense contractor, he knows there’s less of a chance of the job panning out than there is of Brandon’s brain working, so he doesn’t have to worry about actually getting a job. Texans obviously don’t want him in office (just look at all his past losses), so he can continue pretending he’s gonna be a big boy with a job for his welfare case officer while really knowing he can continue to collect checks from Uncle Sam.

But wait, you might say, what about all that family money? Well, though he’s used his family connections to good effect and directed campaign funds toward his personal coffers, he might have simply spent all that money on his repeated, failed bids for office.

As a corrupt Mexican official and billionaire once remarked, “a politician who’s poor is a poor politician.” And Robert Francis O’Rourke is certainly a poor politician; hence his repeated losses. Yet worse for his bank account, the riches gained from corruption can only come if you win. No one sends checks to losers (just look at how the Clinton Foundation’s funding sources dried up after Trump prevented the wife of Epstein’s friend from becoming the first female president).

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So, Beto’s run is a win-win for him. If he loses, he gets to stay on the dole, couch surfing while living off the beneficence of Uncle Sam like all the other welfare state losers. And if he somehow pulls a rabbit out of the hat and wins, he gets to replenish the family coffers and finally win an election at the same time! Either way, running for office gives him that ego boost he needs.

Looks like we’ve cracked the code as to why Beto is running again.

By: Gen Z Conservative, editor of Follow me on Parler and Gettr.